Never split the different by Chris Vox – Book review

Why I picked up the book:

I decided to learn more about pragmatic behavioural psychology to get better at sales, communication and influence. Chris’s book came up as one of the best in sales and negotiation so I decided to give it a go.

About the book

If you want to convince an armed criminal holding a knife at someone’s throat to put it down or your boss to give you a promotion or get your child who’s crying to go to bed, you use the same negotiation principles. The rules of negotiations are always the same, regardless of the circumstances.

During his 24-year career at the FBI in hostage negotiations, Chris Voss gathered many lessons that he distils in this book. Although he worked mostly with extreme situations, the principles he shares in the book are useful for most situations. Life itself is a negotiation.  

To illustrate how these principles work, Chris uses his own anecdotes and stories from the FBI to highlight why the tactics used worked or didn’t work.

What I liked

The different examples Chris uses helps you understand the principles well.

What I didn’t like 

The writing style is not my personal favorite and the book was hard to go through.

My rating

Main takeaways

• Life is a negotiation.
• Negotiations are not a hard science. They are an emotional game
• Good negotiators are emotionally intelligent and use tactical empathy. You have to be an extremely good listener to be able to gather as many information from your counterpart.
• Even the most logical people fall into biases and fallacies. Everyone has a weakness, uncover it and use it as a leverage.
• Same as anything in life, negotiation is skill that can be mastered. The more you do it, the better you get at it.

Summary and notes

Chapter 1: The New Rules

• Negotiation is a big part of our lives not only our professional ones. You might need to convince your husband to do the dishes or your child to go to bed early.

• The rational school of negotiation is based on problem-solving which evokes the second (rational) system of our brain. However, as humans, we make most of our decisions irrationally based on emotions, the first brain.
  
• People can respond differently to the same fact depending on how it’s framed (Framing effect)

• People will choose to move from 90% to 100% than 45% to 55% even if it’s the same percentage increase => We value the certainty 
•  We take unwarranted risks in the face of uncertain losses => Loss aversion

• Chris’ method in FBI negotiations is based more on using the first system of our brain by managing emotions. Negotiation is an emotional game. It is emotional intelligence on steroids.
  
• It starts with empathy which is the active act of listening, accepting and understanding the other person. 

Chapter 2: Be a Mirror

• Negotiations are not a debate. They are not a battle of argument. If you take them as such, you will be easily overwhelmed because our conscious brain can only process a few pieces of information at any given moment (seven pieces of information precisely).
  
• When you start negotiating, focus first on listening to the other person. 
• You will make them feel safe
• The voice in their head will calm down. You won’t feel overwhelmed
• You will get to discover their different needs and uncover useful information.
  
• The most powerful tool in communication is your voice. You can soothe and make someone trust you with your tone. When negotiating you can use three tones
  • Late-night FM DJ voice: should be used selectively to make a point. It is the voice of calm and reason. You should talk deep, slow, soft and reassuring.
  • Positive/Playful voice: should be used most of the time. It’s the voice of an easy-going and good-natured person. You do it by relaxing and smiling while talking
  • Direct/Assertive voice: should be used rarely because it signals dominance onto your counterpart.

• Mirroring:
  • Called isopraxim = imitation
  • It’s when we copy someone’s speech pattern, body language, vocabulary, tempo and tone of voice.
  • It’s a sign of bonding and trust. Biologically we fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar 
  • You can also mirror the last three or most important three words someone has just said

• Mirroring and voice tonality allow you to disagree with someone without sounding disagreeable. You do it in four steps
  • Use late-night FM DJ voice.
  • Start with “I”m sorry ..”
  • Mirror.
  • Silence for at least four seconds to let the mirroring do its magic.
  • Repeat.

Chapter 3: Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It

• Emotions should not be ignored you should identify them carefully. They are the means, not the obstacle.
  
• Tactical empathy:
  • imagining yourself in someone else’s situation. You don’t have to agree with their ideas, you only need to understand their situation. By doing so you convey feelings of trust and may start telling you information that you can use.
    
• Labelling:
  • After spotting emotions with tactical empathy put them into words and very calmly repeat them back to them. Labeling exposes these negative thoughts.
  • The reason why someone will not make an agreement with you are often more powerful than the reason why they will make a deal. Focus on clearing these emotional barriers first.
  • Scientific research shows that when we label an emotion, we diffuse it by making it more rational.
  • Always start labeling by: “it looks like …” “it seems …”  “it sounds like …”
  • Then go silent, let the label work its magic

• Accusation audit:
  • List every terrible thing your counterpart could say about you (accusation audit)
  • This way you can voice them to your counterpart when the time is right. Because these accusations sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage your counterpart to claim otherwise.

Chapter 4: Beware “Yes”—Master “No”

• Classical sales tactics claim that getting someone quickly to a “yes” is the way to close a deal. Pushing hard for a “Yes” only gets the other side angrier.
• “No” is powerful. It starts the negotiations. The real work is behind unpacking the reasons behind the No.
• Everyone is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives you are in the the door.
• In society, we are conditioned to be nice instead of saying hard “No”. Always try to push it from your counterpart.
  • Say “Is now a bad time to talk?” instead of “do you have a few minutes to talk?”
• The goal is not to force a “YES” but to convince the counterpart that the solution you want is their own idea.

Chapter 5: TRIGGER THE TWO WORDS

• The goal of the negotiation is to get to “that’s right” not “you’re right”
• When someone is annoying and you just want to escape the conversation, you say “you’re right” and that’s not what we are looking for.
• Use a summary to trigger “that’s right”. The building blocks for a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing.

Chapter 6: Bend Their Reality

• Decision-making is governed by emotion and not logic
• The most powerful word in negotiation is “fair”.
• As a negotiator, you should strive for a reputation of being fair.
  
• Splitting the difference (compromising) is wearing one black and one brown shoe. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals from both sides
• Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiation process and do impulsive things against their best interests. Use them wisely.
  
• Prospect theory:
  • Certainty effect: people are drawn to sure things over probabilities even when probabilities are a better choice. 
  • Loss aversion: People will take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains.
  • It’s not enough to convince someone that you will deliver, you need to show them what they will lose by not taking the deal by following these steps:
    • Anchor their emotions:
      To bend their reality start by doing an accusation audit acknowledging all of their fears. By anchoring their emotions in preparation for a loss, you inflame their loss aversion so that they’ll jump at the chance to avoid it.
    • Let the other go first, most of the time
      • This is especially important when it comes to monetary negotiations. Chris has experienced many negotiations when the other party’s offer was higher than the closing figure he had in mind. If he had started, they would have agreed and he would have left with either the winner’s curse or buyer’s remorse, those gut-wrenching feelings that he’d overpaid or undersold.
      • You have to be careful when you let the other party anchor. You have to prepare yourself to withstand the first offer. If your counterpart is good, he’s going to go for an extreme anchor in order to bend your reality.
    • Establish a range
      • When confronted with naming your name or price, counter by recalling a similar deal which establishes your “ballpark”. Instead of saying “I am worth 110.000$” you can say “At top places like X, people in this job get between 130.000$ and 170.000$”. This way the company may go for 130.000$ because it looks cheaper than 170.000$. If you offer a range, always expect them to come in at the low end.
    • Pivot to nonmonetary terms
      • One of the ways to bend your counterpart’s reality is to switch to non-monetary terms.
      • Once you’ve anchored them high, you can make your offer seem reasonable by offering things that aren’t important to you but could be important to them.
      • If their offer is low you can ask for things that are important to you than them.
    • When you do  talk numbers, use odd ones
      • When you propose round number that end in 0, your counterpart estimates that you can be easily negotiated off of.
      • When you throw an odd number like 38 526$ instead of 38 000$, it feels like a figure you came to as a result of thoughtful calculation.
    • Surprise with a gift
      • You can get your counterpart into a mood of generosity by staking an extreme anchor and then follow it by a unrelated surprise gift after the first rejection.
      • This triggers the the law of reciprocity where people feel obliged to repay depts of kindness.
        
• How to negotiate a salary
  
  • Be pleasantly persistent on nonsalary terms
    Pleasant persistence is a kind of emotional anchoring that creates empathy with the boss and builds the right psychological environment for constructive discussion.
    
    The more you talk about non-salary terms, the more likely you are to hear the full range of their options. If they cannot meet them, they may be compensated with salary terms. For example, asking for extra vacation.
    
  • Salary terms without success terms is Russian roulette
    Once you’ve negotiated a salary, make sure to define success for your position—as well as metrics for your next raise.
    
  • Spark their interest in your success and gain an unofficial mentor
    • When you are selling yourself to a manager, sell yourself as more than a body for a job; sell yourself, and your success, as a way they can validate their own intelligence and broadcast it to the rest of the company.
    • Make sure they know you’ll act as a flesh-and-blood argument for their importance. Once you’ve bent their reality to include you as their ambassador, they’ll have a stake in your success.

Chapter 7: Create the illusion of control

• The secret to gaining an upper hand in negotiation is giving the other the illusion of control.
• Avoid questions that can be answered with a “yes”. Instead, Ask calibrated / Open-ended questions: 
• Calibrated/Open-ended questions that start with “how” or “what”. These questions will give your counterpart the illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information. “How am I supposed to do this? ” “How can this work?” “What is it in my proposition that is bothering you?”
• Avoid asking questions that start with “why”. It is very often perceived as an accusation.
• Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a negotiation and you start feeling angry, pause and avoid emotional reactions. Ask calibrated questions instead.

Chapter 8: Guarantee execution

• Calibrated “How” questions are a surefire way to keep negotiations going. They put pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers and contemplate your problems. “How am I supposed to do it? “ “How can I afford it?” “How can it work?” …
  
• Beware of other people behind the curtain:
  In most negotiations, people don’t act solo. There are always people behind the curtain. You have to figure out their motivations even if you haven’t identified everyone in the committee behind making the decision. It can also be as simple as asking “How does this affect the rest of your team” or “What do your colleagues see as their main challenge in this area?”
  
• Spotting liars, dealing with jerks and charming everyone else
  Your work in negotiation is uncovering what lies beneath the surface. You have to spot the liars.
  
  • Calibrated how questions are a great tool to say “No” politely
    
  • The 7-38-55 percent rule: in communication, 7% is based on words, 38% on tonality and 55% is body language. When listening to someone always pay attention to their voice tone and body language more that the words they say. If you spot a discrepancy between words and body language or tonality, they are either hesitant or lying. You can always double-check with them “You said yes but it seems there was a hesitation in your voice”
    
  • The rule of three: There are 3 kinds of “yes”: Commitment, confirmation and counterfeit. To avoid getting a counterfeit yes, get the other guy to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation. There’s a risk that you may sound repetitive and pushy. To counteract this, make sure you vary your tactics. Use a direct question for the first one, the second one may summarise what you’ve just said to get to a “that’s right” and in the third one you may ask an open “what/how” question: “what are we up against here?” “How are we going to handle the challenges?” to get to an indirect yes.
    
  • The Pinocchio effect: people who lie try hard to sound believable and this comes across by talking a lot in very complex words and using him, her, they, their instead of “I” to distance themselves from the lie.
    
  • If a person uses “I, me, myself” they are not the only people working in the negotiation. And if they use “they, we, them” it’s more likely that you are dealing directly with the decision maker.
    
  • The Chris discount: make sure to remind people of your name in the conversation. It makes you human and more relatable and will soften your counterpart.

Chapter 9: Bargain hard

• Conflict is the way to great deals.
  
• Different types of bargainers:
  
  • Analysts(data-driven) 
    • methodical and diligent. They take time to analyse data and prepare. They hate surprises and are very skeptical. 
    • How to deal with them: do not ask too many questions from the start. Use data and facts to structure your reasoning.
    • If you are one, make sure you keep smiling and not keep a long silence. 
      
  • Accommodators (social butterflies)
    • Love communication. Free-flowing continuous exchange of information is what matters to them. 
    • They want to remain friends with their counterparts even if they can’t reach an agreement. 
    • The challenge with them is that their objections can be hard to uncover. They can leave them unaddressed out of fear of conflict
    • If you are one, keep your likability but do not sacrifice your objections. 
      
  • Assertive (pragmatics)
    • Believe time is money and hate wasting it.
    • They love winning above anything else.
    • They have an aggressive communication style and view. business relationships based on respect and nothing more.
    • They want to be heard so focus very well on what they have to say.
    • Mirrors and calibrated questions  are very useful with this type.
    • If you are one make sure your tone is not harsh. Use calibrated question to appear more approachable. 

• Black Swan rule: don’t treat others the way you want to be treated, treat them how they want to be treated

• Get ready to take a punch. Kick-ass negotiators lead with an extreme anchor to knock you off the game. If you’re not ready you’ll accept your maximum without a fight. Learn how to punch back without anger. The situation is the problem not the guy across the table.
  
• Prepare an Ackerman plan
  • Set your target price (your goal);
  • Set your first offer at 65 percent of your target price;
  • Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95, and 100 percent);
  • Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “No” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer;
  • When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers like $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight; 
  • On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit.

Chapter 10: Find the black swan

• There are known knowns, known unknowns and unknown unknowns. The latter are the black swans.
• Black Swans are not always close-guarded information. Your counterpart always has pieces of information whose value they do not understand.
  
• Leverage is the ability to conflict loss and withhold gain. What does your counterpart want to gain and what do they fear losing.
• The three types of leverage:
  • Positive: your ability as a negotiator to provide or withhold things that your counterpart wants. (if they want to buy your car, that’s a positive leverage)
  • Negative: your ability to make your counterpart suffer by knowing their losses. (if they don’t pay by x time, they will lose the deal)
    • One way to get to pieces of information you can use as negative leverage is to speak to a third party that knows your counterpart.
    • But the best way is to gather it from interactions with your counterpart
    • Negative leverage may sound like a threat that may make your counterpart feel like they lost autonomy. Make sure to deliver it in a subtle way by using labelling “it seems like ….”.
  • Normative: is using the other party’s norms and standards to advance your position. If you can show inconsistencies between their beliefs and their actions, you have normative leverage. No one likes to look like a hypocrite.
    
• Understand your counterpart’s world view and the way they perceive things. 
• You will then understand what they truly want out of life. You can employ those aspirations to get them to follow you.
• Get face time with your counterpart. Ten minutes of face time often reveals more than days of research.