How to win friends and influence people by Daniel Carnegie – Book review

Why I picked up the book:

There’s a weird part of my personality, whereby if something is so famous and liked by many people, I am more reluctant to try it myself. This has been the case for many famous classic self-help books out there including “How to win friends and influence people”. 

After many negotiations with myself, I decided to pick it up.

To be fair, I got inspired by my husband who’s currently rebuilding his knowledge in self-development and business, and decided to read all the classics. Which is a smart strategy since all the classics tend to be timeless and most books nowadays build upon them or offer a modern spin.

About the book:

It’s a classic self-development book written in 1936. Writing style-wise, I didn’t expect it to be very engaging. But to my surprise, I found the book to be very interesting. It won’t teach you something new. All the principles mentioned, you probably already know. Yet, the way the author brings them to our attention in a very structured manner makes them very valuable. 

What I loved:

How the ideas are structured in a guidebook style.

What I didn’t like:

The ideas were so overly stretched and could be explained in fewer words. Dale used so many examples that made the book painful to read at times. I’m glad I consumed 90% of it in audiobook form while doing other things. 

The premise of the book:

It teaches you how people actually behave with each other and based on that, you can learn how to deal with them. At the surface level, it may sound like a shady guide to manipulating people. But if you dig deep into the principles, it is not about pretending to be interested in people or offering false flattery and fake smiles. It is about genuinely caring about people. 

As Dale puts it himself: “Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.”

Who should read this book:

Anyone who wants to better his relationships (especially work relationships).

The book is structured into four parts:

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Part 4: Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment

Here are my takeaways and highlights from each one.

Short summary:

I found some ideas redundant. So, here’s my very short and condensed summary of the main lessons I got from the book. And If you fancy reading the extended notes, skip to the next part. 

1- Try to not criticize people. If you have negative feedback start by giving positive appreciation first. It makes them more open to the feedback that’s coming next. Do not follow the praise with “but” to state your critique, use “and” instead.  (“your report is very clear and very long” instead of “your report is very clear but very long”)

2- Smile and remember people’s names.

3- The best way to make people do something is to make them want to do it. And the best way to do that is to make them feel important by appealing to their self-esteem using positive praise (if we really mean it).

4- Being genuinely interested in people, letting them express themselves and giving them our full attention while listening is the way to win their hearts.

5- If you want to convince someone with an idea/product …

• • Start with something you already know they would say yes to. This would put them in more open minded and accepting mood.

• • Ask them what they think is wrong with the idea/product that should be improved. Make the other person make the propositions and guide him towards those you already know are right. 

6- If you want people to adhere to something or to be engaged in a common goal, gamify it and make it a challenge. People are driven by the desire to excel and prove their self-worth.

7- Instead of giving people orders to do things, it’s better to phrase them in terms of suggestions. Instead of saying “Do this or don’t do that”, use “wouldn’t it be better”, “What do you think of this”, “Maybe if we do it this way” … 

8- If you want someone to improve in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics. This will make them want to live up to the reputation you gave them.

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

 

 

 

 

 

 

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

1. 1. Humans are emotional creatures driven by pride and vanity. When dealing with people, appealing to logic is not the most effective strategy. Even criminals don’t regard themselves as bad men. They rationalise what they do and blame others for not understanding them.

1. 1. We think that by criticising others, we’re informing them of what’s wrong and what can be improved. But according to Dale, criticism can be very counter-productive as it puts the person on the defensive and only makes him want to justify himself to salvage his pride. 

1. 1. Instead of criticising people, we should try to understand why they do what they do. Communicating with them from this angle breeds sympathy and tolerance. And the person will be more willing to accept the remarks. 

My problem with this idea is that it is not clear what Dale means by criticism. Is it simply giving negative feedback? Sometimes we have to give negative feedback and express that certain things are not how we want them to be, so they can be improved. The way in which the feedback is delivered is what may be problematic. When I got to the next chapters, he explains how to deliver negative feedback in a way that won’t be resented. But I still believe this principle could’ve been explained better.

“The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralise employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.”

“Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. ‘A great man shows his greatness,’ said Carlyle, ‘by the way he treats little men.’”

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

1. 1. The best way to make someone do something is to make him want to do it. And the best way to make him want to do it is by appealing to his unmet needs. Most people’s needs according to Dale are

 

• Health and the preservation of life.
• Food.
• Sleep.
• Money and the things money will buy.
• Life in the hereafter.
• Sexual gratification.
• The well-being of our children.
• A feeling of importance. 

All these wants are usually already gratified except for one: the feeling of importance or what Freud calls “the desire to be great”. If we make someone feel important, they will be more willing to do what we ask them to do. 

“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.” 

2. 2. The way to make people feel important is to nourish their self-esteem with words of appreciation. 

2. 2. Appreciation is different from flattery. Appreciation is sincere positive feedback that you genuinely believe about the other person. Flattery is giving that feedback while believing it’s false. 

2. 2. To be able to appreciate people you have to be able to see the good in people. And that can only happen if we stop thinking about ourselves and think of the other person’s good points. 
      
      
      

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

1. 1. You care about what you want. But so does everybody. We’re all interested in what we want. The best way to influence other people is to talk to them about what they want and show them how to get it.
      
      
      
      

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

 

 

 

 

 

 

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

• • It’s the same idea discussed in previous chapters on the importance of genuinely caring about other people’s needs and worries. It is crucial if you want them to like you.
    
    
    

Principle 2: Smile.

• • A smile, a non-fake one, can speak louder than words and says ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

• • If you don’t feel like smiling, force yourself to smile and you’ll feel like smiling more.

“First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it:

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

How does it feel when someone says your name? Especially someone who’s not very familiar to you? It feels strangely nice. We feel recognised. Try remembering people’s names and use them in every encounter. 

“We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realise that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing . . . and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others”.

Principle 4: Be a good listener.

• • In conversations, encourage the other person to talk and be genuinely interested in what he says. 

“So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

• • “For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

 

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.

• • Joins the same principles we’ve mentioned above. To make people feel important, become sincerely interested in other people and offer genuine appreciation. 

“You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. You want your friends and associates to be, as Charles Schwab put it, ‘hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.’ All of us want that.”

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

 

 

 

 

 

 

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• • Simple arguments if not handled correctly turn into disagreements.

• • Winning an argument doesn’t convince the other person of your idea. It only makes him feel resentful while still having the same opinion.

“Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non-compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior.
You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And – A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

• • To keep an argument from becoming a disagreement, try to:

• • Welcome the disagreement: they are opportunities for improvement and may stop you from making mistakes

• • Distrust your first instinctive impression of being defensive and stay calm

• • Listen first 

• • Look for areas of agreement

• • Be honest, look for areas where you might be wrong

• • Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully.

 

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

• • You may be wrong as well.

“If you can be sure of being right only 55 per cent of the time, you can go down to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day. If you can’t be sure of being right even 55 per cent of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong?”

• • When you tell people they are wrong, you trigger their defensive instincts and they will be less willing to admit they are wrong.

“You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words – and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds.”

• • To express to the other person that their ideas are wrong. Start by saying that you may be wrong for disagreeing with them. It will make them more open to changing their mind if they are convinced.

“You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.”

“We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened …”

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

 

“When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.”

 

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

 

“The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.”

 

Principle 5: Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately.

• • When engaging with people, first discuss the things you agree on and get as many “yeses” as you can. This sets the physiology of the other person to be more open and receptive. If you start with a “no”, he will already be in a rejection mode.

 

“The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When a person says ‘No’ and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The entire organism – glandular, nervous, muscular – gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There is, usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance. When, to the contrary, a person says ‘Yes,’ none of the withdrawal activities takes place. The organism is in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude. Hence the more ‘Yeses’ we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.”

 

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

“MOST PEOPLE TRYING to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.

 

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.”

 

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

• • To practically achieve this, when trying to sell someone something (an idea/proposition, a product, …), ask him what he thinks is wrong, that should be improved. (this sentence seems a little bit unsettling, how are you feeling about it?) Make the other person make the propositions and guide him towards those you already know are right. 

 

“No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.”

 

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

“There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason – and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.

Try honestly to put yourself in his place.

If you say to yourself, ‘How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?’ you will save yourself time and irritation, for ‘by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.’ And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.”

Principle 9: Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires.

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

• • When dealing with people, always assume they have noble and upright intentions even when they might not. 

“J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.”

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

• • Presenting the truth as it is is not enough. It has to come in a more appealing, dramatic and interesting package. This is a way by which Dale wanted to say that you have to market your ideas in a compelling way that will catch the other person’s interest.
    
    
    

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

• • If you want people to adhere to something, to be engaged in a common goal, gamify and make it a challenge. People are driven by the desire to excel and prove their self-worth.

“Let Charles Schwab say it in his own words: ‘The way to get things done,’ says Schwab, ‘is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.’ The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.”

Part 4: Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offence or ArousingRousing Resentment

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

• • If you want to give negative feedback, start with giving positive honest appreciation first.

“It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise for our good points.”

 

“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. A leader will use . . .”

 

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

• • If you want to follow up your praise with negative criticism, do not use the word “but”. It makes the praise sound insincere. Try using the word “and” instead. Here’s an example:

“For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, ‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”

“This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’ ‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

“Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behaviour.”

 

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

 

• • Instead of giving people orders to do things, it’s better to phrase them in terms of suggestions. Instead of saying “Do this or don’t do that”, use “wouldn’t it be better”, “What do you think of this”, “Maybe if we do it this way” … 

“He always gave suggestions, not orders. Owen D. Young never said, for example, ‘Do this or do that,’ or ‘Don’t do this or don’t do that.’ He would say, ‘You might consider this,’ or ‘Do you think that would work?’ Frequently he would say, after he had dictated a letter, ‘What do you think of this?’ In looking over a letter of one of his assistants, he would say, ‘Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better.’ He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.”

Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

When people make mistakes, try to not hurt their pride and ego by directly attacking them. 

“Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: ‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

• • By praising people, we empower them to do better

“I can look back at my own life and see where a few words of praise have sharply changed my entire future. Can’t you say the same thing about your life? History is replete with striking illustrations of the sheer witchery of praise.”

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

“In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said ‘Assume a virtue, if you have it not.’ And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.”

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

“ be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practise until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.